Sink or Swim
Written on July 6
Today is my oldest son's birthday. Happy birthday Ren! He is 35. Wow, just unbelievable! I can’t believe I’ve been a Mom for 35 years!
My day started out as a typical Wednesday. I went to a bible study with an amazing group of women. It's something that I look forward to every week. We meet every Wednesday at a coffee shop. If you are not in some kind of small Christian group, I would highly recommend it. It is one of my saving graces these days. We have been reading the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. This book has really been a solid part of walking through this grief journey and is truly a great book to read even if you aren’t going through grief. It just gives me a different perspective when those grief waves come in big. I linked the exact book that we all purchased below. Katie has also purchased the book and I am hoping she will read it one day.
After Bible study, I was heading to Katie's house. She only lives a few miles from the coffee shop that we meet at. Just ahead, I could see some flashing lights. Soon after I noticed the lights, there it was. I saw a hearse. The hearse was leading a funeral procession and I instantly got sick to my stomach. It’s a feeling too hard to put into words. Truly indescribable to experience those flashbacks and a reminder that this is our reality. As this strenuous gut punch wasn’t enough, there was a vehicle exactly like the one we crashed in following the procession. It was the same color and the same model. The flood of emotions that came racing back to my mind felt like the air was being syphoned out of my lungs. The vision of three hearses being lined up in front of our home church will be forever etched in my mind no matter how much I want to forget it. There are so many triggers with grief. If you are going through grief, be gentle with yourself. Try to keep moving forward. You don’t have to move much, but try not to stay in those low spots that feel unbearable. For me, child loss is the most difficult human experience. It is a fight and a struggle to make it through each day. But my God is faithful.
Grief, for me, requires holding on to the Lord in ways that I have never experienced in my life. It all boils down to trust. Trusting Him to walk me through this immense lost. Trusting him to breathe air into my lungs when I feels though I am drowning in a sea of grief. Trusting that he knows what's best concerning my three children that I love more than words can describe. He knows the end from the beginning. Trusting that His promises are true. He knows how broken we are right now. I am learning the deeper meanings of trust and it is not an easy thing. Trust is. assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something. For me, it is God. Trusting Him is a choice, not a feeling. Trust is knowing that God is still good, even when my situation screams, this is bad! Trust is believing and having faith that my God will somehow take all this trauma and tragedy and turn it around for our good. I trust that one day, while not on this earth, I will understand the reasoning as to why this had to happen.
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
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