“Happy” 4th of July
Written on July 4, 2022
Well, here’s another holiday without you three. Another holiday that doesn’t feel very much like a holiday. Our first 4th of July without you. There isn’t a thing that I can name that feels right. There certainly isn’t a thing that feels like it should be celebrated when ya’ll can’t celebrate with us.
I think about what each of you would have done today. Would you be popping fireworks? Would you be swimming? Would you coming to Katie's in-laws since we end up there for a lot of holidays? Would you be with your friends? Would Lindy have baked something? Would we have went to Austin like we did 2 years ago?
Kyle and Shea came over to Errik’s parents house (Lynette & Errol) to meet us. It felt so good to have all of my kids who live in Louisiana at the same place. I cannot explain to you how weird it feels for me to only have three kids that live near me. I have always had “so many kids” for as long as I can remember and it feels so very new and unnatural to only have three kids nearby. I spent the most time with the youngest three and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel whole without them or without “my big family.”
We visited a while and took a drive down the road to show Shea Katie’s property where they plan to move someday. They inherited a beautiful peace of land down the road from Errik’s mom’s house and they can’t wait to be back in the country. It was so nice to spending time together. I have learned that we are not promised tomorrow and to appreciate and cherish time spent with those that you love.
After a while, we walked next door to Errik's aunt's house to get a bite to eat. The house was full of people. There were sounds of laughter, children playing and just family living life together. Sweet sounds that are no longer present in my house.
I turned to ask Kyle if he wanted me to make a plate of food for him, but he was gone. I couldn't find him anywhere. I grabbed my phone to call him to see where he went. I saw that he sent me a text message. His text read “I felt uncomfortable around everyone and it made me sad seeing a big family gathering when we can’t have one with our whole family.” It’s so hard to put into words just how deeply this has devastated our family. So here we are. We are broken. But I know my God will see us through.
There are so many parts to grief. So many twists, turns, angles and layers. I have so much of my own grief. I still find myself with a feeling similar to drowning. Some days, my head is barely above water with waves of my own sorrow. And then there’s my other children. My children that are still here that loved those three kids so deeply. I have to watch them grieve this same immense grief that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I didn’t think it was possible to endure so many types of pain. I don’t recall what it’s like to wake up and not have a dark cloud of grief follow me with weights that anchor my heart. Weights that never let up. Lindy, Christopher and Kamryn, we love you beyond measure and miss you more than we thought possible. We never imagined that’d we’d have to live life without you three and we wish that this wasn’t our reality. We cannot wait until the day we see you again. One day closer.
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you. Psalm 32:7-8