Kamryn’s Trampoline
7/10/2022
I woke up this morning with an extra heavy heart. Of course, every day is hard but some days, I feel the extra weight on my chest. No particular reason for this today, just part of the grief journey.
I woke up and pushed to make it to church. The praise and worship songs were beautiful. The songs were about God's faithfulness and His goodness, which He is good and faithful. Some of us in the family struggle with this aspect. To be honest, sometimes it’s hard to go to church and sing about how good God is when you feel like God allowed your world to fall apart on such a catastrophic level. When you are hurting so deeply, it's hard to see God's whole plan from beginning to end. We sometimes get stuck in this hurt. There is just so much to unpack with grief.
During the worship, the Pastor went up and said it was okay to not feel at the goodness and faithfulness of God at all times. Life is hard and so incredibly difficult sometimes but God is big enough to handle our honest emotions. He read Lamentations 3: 19-23.
“I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all - oh, how well I remember - the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope.”
That's how I was feeling this morning. The verse continues:
“God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness!”
I say it over and over, but I'm sticking with God. He's all I've got left. I couldn’t imagine living each day without my kids without the hope and trust that they are well and with the Lord and that I will see them again one day.
On another note, my good friend was looking for a trampoline for her grandkids. She posted on Facebook looking to buy one. I told her that I would give her Kamryn’s. She had a big rectangle trampoline that she spent so many hours jumping on. I know Kamryn would want other children laughing and jumping on her trampoline that she loved for so many years. The sad reality is that it would eventually just fall apart from not being used. They came this afternoon and Ray and her husband loaded it up. Everything is bittersweet. She loved her trampoline..
I also spoke with Shea today. we laughed, talked and cried. We miss these kids so much. Our hearts are so broken. But God is faithful and He is good. Although we may not feel it all the time, He is walking through this with us every step of the way. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers. Every day is so hard but we are trying to keep keeping on.