Unpacking Grief
Written 7/20/22
It's been quite a day. There are no words to describe the pain of child loss. I have searched and cannot find an adequate description that fully captures this and all that comes with it. Immense love for three beautiful children without any place for it to go in their absence. The constant longing for my kids and pain from not being able to embrace them. This morning, I stopped by Katie's before Bible study. She had just gotten an email showing the proofs of the t-shirts she had been designing. It hit me so hard to see the finished product. So many people, all across the world, have been asking us to make t-shirts. It is truly amazing that strangers want to represent my children and help us carry on their legacy. I am so deeply touched by this. But as everything with grief goes, it is all so bittersweet. “In loving memory” is written on the back. How can this be? How are my children gone? How do we need t-shirts to remember them? It is still so unbelievable at times while other times it's so real that I can't breathe.
I took a few moments to get myself together and headed to the coffee shop for Bible study. We are studying the first five chapters of Luke. About an hour or so into the study, I got a call from Katie. I could hardly understand what she was saying through the pain and heartache in her voice. She had received the proof from what we had requested to be put on the kid's headstones. We knew we would eventually have to see and deal with this. It was just very unexpected for it to come via text. It caught her off-guard and she wasn’t mentally prepared. Of course, we knew this was coming. But it’s very different when you see it start to become real. Hearing the pain in my other child's voice is another level and layer of grief to unpack. I just felt so broken and the tears began to fall. I asked her to send it to me. As painful as I knew it would be to see, I wanted to see it. I am so thankful that I was surrounded by a group of women who love the Lord and they immediately started praying for me and comforted me. I am so thankful for each and every one of these ladies. I know that God has put them in my life at this particular time.
I often revert back to where God led me not long after the tragedy. He led Ray and I to Dr. Mary Neal on YouTube. She had a near death experience, went to heaven and was sent back with a laundry list of things to do. The hardest thing on this list was to prepare for the upcoming and unexpected death of her oldest son. I didn't have the strength or mental capability in the early stages after the crash to cry out to God in my traditional way. He met me through her experience with Jesus and ministered to me in a way that I needed at that time. He will always meet you where you are, especially in your darkest hour, which is where I was. Losing a child is the most difficult human experience. Even on my saddest day, because of trust, I was never totally hopeless.
The challenge is to engage in this life that you have been given now and make the best of it. When my kids were killed, our family died. All of our hopes, dreams and family dynamics were gone. People who have suffered great loss don't want the future or the present. They want the past because that's where their loved ones are. If we are willing to acknowledge and embrace God's presence, the indicators are there and we can experience beautiful things. It's a matter of whether or not you are willing to accept them. Loss makes it really hard to see the future. There is not a day that goes by that Lindy, Christopher and Kamryn are not a part of what I am, and the experience of their loss is also a part of who I am. This has changed me in so many ways. I am not the same person. Unfortunately, through tragedy and hard times we have a more intimate and personal relationship with the Father.
Here I am Lord, I can't go back to the beginning. I can't control what tomorrow will bring, but I know here in the middle is a place where You always will be. Those are the words of an Elevation Worship song that really speaks to me. A very kind stranger who we have not had the pleasure of meeting, Susan Greer, has gifted Katie & I tickets to see them in August. I cannot wait. I know this will be such a great experience and may be exactly what I need right now.
He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. Psalm 112:7