19 months.
It's been 19 months since the loss of Lindy, my beautiful memory maker, Christopher, my remarkable boy who checked all the boxes and Kamryn, my beautiful songbird who had the kindest of hearts. As time goes by, I find myself slowly, very slowly letting go of the constant "why all three" question that plagues my mind. No matter how hard I tried to avoid it, the question would resurface again and again. I've come to realize that the human mind simply cannot comprehend or understand such tragedies. It's something that only a sovereign God can fully grasp, seeing the whole picture from beginning to end, with eternity as the guiding factor.
In this journey of grief, the Lord has been enlightening me about His goodness. The way we view God changes everything. When His goodness is firmly settled in our hearts, everything becomes defined by His goodness. Knowing that He is good, regardless of the circumstances, brings a deep sense of rest to my heart, enabling me to trust Him even in the most difficult situations. The loss of the kids has been the most challenging experience of my life, but I trust that He is good.
I've come to understand that this is my assignment, and even amidst immense pain, I will trust Him. Some days I handle my assignment better than others, but I cannot change it. True growth in faith comes from complete surrender, not from striving. It doesn't mean denying the pain of my loss, but actively denying the devil access to my heart. I refuse to sacrifice my knowledge of God's goodness on the altar of human reasoning, just so I can have an explanation for why something happened.
In these moments of loss, disappointment, and irritation, we return to what is absolute - the nature of God. He is always good. He takes what was meant for evil and turns it for good. I refuse to allow this tremendous disappointment, which is temporary, to rob me of delighting in what is eternal. I will celebrate the goodness of God. Believe me, it doesn't change the loss, but it shifts my perspective and brings healing.
I've come to understand that when the seeds of pain are planted in an untended garden, they can grow into something destructive. That's why I've learned to grab my moments immediately. The Lord has been helping me as I cry out to Him and truly release my deepest pain in the intimacy of my prayer closet. It's hard work, incredibly hard work, but somehow He brings an increase in other areas of my life. The loss of the kids, that authentic relationship remains unfilled. Those relationships are so deeply imbedded in me and intertwined with God himself and are such a beautiful and priceless thing. Given the magnitude of my loss, it requires a great deal of sacrifice and offering to Him, going well beyond convenience. But in the midst of it all, He puts me back together and opens doors for me to walk alongside others, helping them make better decisions through our shared experiences.
So, no matter the trial or disappointment, I've settled it in my heart that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord. He is a good and faithful Father, and I choose to hold onto to that truth as I navigate through this journey of grief and healing.