Bereaved Parents Awareness Month
I wanted to let everyone know that July is Bereaved Parents Awareness Month. I had no idea that this even existed, but I am grateful for it. Of course, I wish I was still unaware of this in a selfish sense. I am fully convinced that being a bereaved parent is the most difficult human experience. We never want to join this club. Many say that “I couldn’t imagine”. I didn’t want to imagine. However, I wasn’t given a choice. Being forced to survive this nightmare is a daily challenge. There isn’t a minute that comes easy.
I wanted to let other bereaved parents and tell them about what helped me in the beginning when I first came home from the hospital. I was so broken. I was broken physically but that failed in comparison to how mentally broken I was (and still am). I really didn’t know how I would be able to continue on. In my own selfish mind, I wished God would have taken me too. This was too hard to live through. I know that God left me behind for a reason. Apparently, I have work to do. I know that my husband and other children would have had to endure much more suffering if God had taken me too, but oh, how I wish I didn’t have to live on to learn this new pain. If I’m being honest and speaking only from my selfish wants, I wish I could have went with them that night. When I came home from the hospital, I was hopeless. I was so hopeless. I couldn’t put any weight on my legs for three months so Ray tried to find interesting things for us to watch on TV. We were watching many near-death experiences and any little thing we could find to give us even a grain of hope. He stumbled across Dr. Mary Neal on YouTube and I now know that this was nothing but God.
In 1999, Dr. Mary Neal had a near death experience which allowed her to experience the amazing love of God, which is in no comparison to how we know love to be on this earth. She was able to get a tiny glimpse of what Heaven is. The beautiful aromas, vibrant colors and overwhelming love of God made her feel like she was home. Although she had a family on earth, she did not want to leave. She was told it was not her time, she had work to do and must return back to Earth. She was given a laundry list of things to do — all of which were hard. The hardest thing on that list was to prepare for the unexpected and upcoming death of her oldest son. Her question to God was “Why? Why my son?” The answer was that beauty comes from all things. Although she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Heaven is real, it would not be easy to let go of her son.
This has helped me more than I could ever put into words. I didn’t know where to turn, what to think or what to do with this massive amount of pain that fell on my soul as I had to learn how to live a life without my three babies that I loved more than life. I would have given my life for them without a millisecond of hesitation. But, that was not an option and now I have to learn how to go on. To know how wonderful Heaven is and to know that my little kids are there and with the Lord is one of the only things that brings me a nugget of comfort. God has a plan for everyone and that is a plan of hope. She experienced a transformation from hope to absolute trust. She is able to go on because she trusts in God’s promises. Trust is an active choice based on the presence of God and the experience of God’s trustworthiness in one’s own life. Trust is faith in action.
Even though I have absolutely no understanding of why this happened, even though my days are hard, I have total trust in God. I don’t know how I would face each day without having full trust in Him.
I will leave you with this scripture:
He raises up the down and out, gives firm footing to those sinking in grief. Job 5:11